Once upon a time pain was bad. It was a negative feeling, a horrible sensation. However, it was really frequent, it was felt lots of times per day, lots of times per hour. It was a horrible routine. A routine of aching emotions all at once. It was unstoppable. Thus, one time, yet it was still horrible, it began feeling not so bad. This pain symbolized the normal life, the daily routine of average emotionless days passing by. Memories were created from pain, not all of them bad. Afterwards, pain was painless. Pain meant nothing, it was just like breathing, nothing more than blood flowing out, scars being made, but no pain whatsoever was ever felt again. Then it might seem ok, it looks like no harm is done to anyone. But even if you do not feel something, it does not mean it has no consequences. The feeling is hurting even if you don't feel it, the action is destroying even if you feel undestroyable. But it all changes one day, when you start feeling joy. Yes, joy together with pain. But then the pain dissapears, and whenever you hurt yourself you just feel they joy of those average days. This new scars represent normality, the happiness of tranquility. This blood just feels like emptiness covering and protecting you from your life, from the real world. Feeling pain is over, relief and happiness is the next emotion you have when you open your skin. It does not feel bad, it does not seem bad, though it is worse than in the beginning. Then, it starts being addictive. You cannot spend a day without your chunk of pain, without your flow of blood, without your new scar willing to join your skin. One minute, ten minutes, one hour, every amount of time you have is dedicated to pain. You loose consciousness of time when you feel pain, you cannot stop till it's too late, till you have no more space, till your hands are worn out, till no more blood comes out. Then you feel bad, right after you see what you've done you feel terrible, you know you shouldn't be doing that, you are conscious again. But you can't deal with it. It overcomes your strength, it collapses your head, you act automatically with no control of your body. However, you always knew it's wrong, and that you will regret it for sure. You even know this when you are at it, but you can't handle it. It feels to good to stop, and even though you promised yourself you won't do it again, you are not yourself when you are hurting yourself. You just behave like a lion looking for its prey, instinctively. Hypnosis is the state of mind.
Nonetheless, not everything is lost. One day you reach the limit. One day you realize it's too much. One day you open your eyes, and you hope it's the last time, your only desire is to never fall into temptation again. You know you changed. You know everything will be different from now on. The problem is that this one is not the first time you think so, but definitely you are willing as never before that it is the last. Then there's nothing left to say, the only option you are given is to wait. To hold on and see if your promise is fulfilled. To wait for either a fate of terrors and more time aching in pain, or a nice prosperous future with no need of remembering past times where you needed to open your body to feel Ok.
