Conditioned

Ever since I have memories I remember wishing certain things. I remember wanting to kiss that girl, I remember wanting to play Wii, I remember wanting lots of things. However, since the beginning of time I have not had what I desired, I have had what was available.

I have never complaint, all in all, whatever I achieved to own was virtually as valuable as what I really desired, and so I just learnt how to want what was given to me. This way, all my desires would be fully fulfilled. 

Nonetheless, it is getting harder each time, because I realize the truth of the situation, which is that the heart wants what it wants, and no logical process can change that when your wishes are well defined. Nowadays I do really want to be with certain girls, I really want to go to certain places, I really desire to do certain things, which are, as a whole, almost impossible to get. Therefore I am obliged either to accept my misery and let my unfulfilled desires destroy me, or I can change my mentality and convince myself that what I do have is what I really wished from the beginning.

It seems wrong when first explained, it looks as if it made sense, but it was enslaving myself, holding my own true self back, not letting me be free in all splendor. But why is it? Why does it feel weird to convince yourself to want something? Why does it feel freedom-breaking?

It is not making me less free, since I am the one deciding what to do, this initiative has been set up by me, just by myself and my own desire of not being unhappy. I am the one choosing to be less happy by changing my thoughts. Therefore, is changing you mind something wrong? Is controlling yourself something against liberty? Is nature and only nature and its natural paths the real way towards freedom? 

I believe nature and its consequences sometimes lead to unhappiness, and even though we perceive natural unrest as just, there is no rational explanation to why we should just suffer if nature wants us to.

I am referring to the natural series and path of events as nature, something unchanged that follows its own path according to natural and un artificial laws. Something interesting about this is that whatever is triggered by nature is automatically assumed as fair and just, whereas is something triggered by humans leads to the same result, this result is often unjust and punishable. 

Applied to the desires scenario, something artificially desired by someone is worse thought of than something desired because of pure chance, nature. For example, imagine you are in love of a very ugly person, you love that person, but he/she is so ugly you cannot tell. Then, in order to not suffer you decide to suppress your feelings, try to change them and fall in love with a much prettier but stupider boy/girl. That is something rather unjust for you and your loved one, it looks artificial and unnatural, unfair and wrong. However if you naturally and spontaneously stopped loving the ugly person and started loving the cute one, or maybe just love the cute one from the beginning, the situation would look appropriate and fair. All in all, we are ruled by nature and it is something un personal which can never be to blame for an event.

The conclusion of this is that nature is always just, or at least perceived as so, while artificial or man made changes to one's personality or wishes are morally wrong and unjust, basically because of the first principal; nature is the only just, fair and morally right maker of these things. 

I am still confused, and I do not know whether I should embrace my impossible dreams or just try to be happy to what comes to me. I will probably be confused for a long time, and perhaps no answer is valid to this dilemma, maybe there is no solution, and a mixture of both paths is the more appropriate. But again, as a philosophical question, as a human who is trying to be more morally correct, what should I do? 

I guess I'll have to suffer the aching pain of confusion until a new solution becomes bearable. Until then, just philosophize. 

Life is a dream

Almost everything in the universe is dead. Almost all matter within our cosmological sight has no life. 

Nonetheless, we are used to living beings because, come on, this is Earth, lifetown. Everywhere you look in our planet, you will most certainly find some badass bacteria, or amoebas, and usually, lots and lots of animals and plants visible to our naked eye too. This has created a strange illusion; that life is abundant and normal. 

It is not, for even in our planet, the ratio of alive matter and inorganic dead matter is dominated by the immense amounts of rocks and metals found in the inner and outer layers of the planet. Life is abundant, but only in the surface, and only in small packages, being the largest the blue whale. Not even comparable to the size of a dead hill or an inanimate mountain.

Additionally, among this minority, only one known species has been able to develop consciousness. This is a topic for another day, and the definition of consciousness is far beyond extremely complicated and intricate. Even though, we have a fair mental image of what being conscious really means, and over millennia, our species has become aware of our own self, of our minds, of our bodies, our power, our qualities and defects. We are alive, and we know it, which is rather rare, among a full biosphere of ignorant bacteria all among a vast majority of dead matter all among an even larger whole, consisting mainly of dark energy and dark matter.

Whoa, we should feel unique and rare and special, for being the awakened ones. Our 7 billion bodies, with all our atoms, are the only known minority of atoms and molecules being self aware, to think profound thoughts, and wonder about the origin of the universe. We are rare, strange, awkward, and unique, and nothing could ever say the opposite no matter what.

This got me wondering about a rather unusual conclusion. Given our scarcity in the world, we are not part of the normal kind of matter. Among organic matter, we are also quite special, and therefore we are not quite the normal kind of organic matter in the Earth's biosphere. The conclusion is that, life is not the normal state of matter, and consciousness is not usual either. This is a special state of being, consciousness. I like to compare it to dreaming.

One could say that our lives are just dreams, special mysterious states of matter in which we are aware of our existence, and after a while we just die off and become the normal kind of matter again. Dreaming bears a huge resemblance with life in that sense. We fall asleep, and sometimes we enter into  an unknown mental state, we enjoy it for a bit, and then we wake up, just like life itself. It may be a longer dream, but all in all, it is a dream. 

Thanks to this special undefinable phenomenon we are able to prepare for real life, if life is real al all. Dreams are supposed to make us ready for whatever may lie ahead when we wake up, but all in all, the whole life we live might be a dream, or it might just not matter, since there may be no distinction among them after all.

Perhaps living is not dreaming and I am wrong, but to my mind, a few carbon and water molecules suddenly living and thinking is an idea rather belonging to dream worlds, not reality.  

It is going to take long to figure out the quintessence of life, how a dead body is suddenly dead and not alive, and in this even more difficult step, how consciousness comes to be, and how it seizes to be. We are dream stuff, we are dreaming all along. We cannot comprehend how the normal state of inanimate matter is, because we never were so, at least in our memory and sensory experience. All we have ever known is how to wake up and continue dreaming.

Let's just go on with our dreams as if none of this matters, but remember to never forget that we are atoms that gained self-awareness, nothing more. And as simple atoms our journey shall end, with the death of our magical consciousness, and/or perhaps, the beginning of the real 'life'. The end of this 'life' is the end of this 'dream', and maybe afterwards, the truth appears and this solemn world turns out to be what it has always been; dream land. 

Continuous inspiration

Today I started the new and final high school year. I am scared, because throughout all my life, I have never worried if whether I could make it through the year or not, every past year I worked hard and got the desired results. 

However this time it looks different. And I just realized complaining about it is not gonna change anything. 

My only solution is to keep myself motivated and continue deluding myself into believing that it is going to be worthy and it will be useful for my future.

I recently discovered who Elon Musk was and how he is changing the world (or at least trying really hard). He is going to be my inspiration for this year, and I hope listening to his story will keep me going. Thanks to him I believe I am able of not giving up, so let's hope this lasts all year long.

Giving up is not an option, and I'd rather do this right than complaining all along. I hope I am not mistaken.