Let go.

I usually wonder why the stars and the universe behaves in such an amazing way, in those perfect patters which stand up for the infinite beauty of our world. Then I realize that with some time, science will find out the calculations, the formulas and the reasons of all that beauty.

Nonetheless, I usually wonder about feelings too, such a simple thing isn't it? Well, it turns out that they are infinitely more complex than the universe itself. Surprisingly enough, it is very likely that no one will ever find out how our feelings exactly work.

This time, that shit seemed to be over, and after all these years waiting, preparing and learning for my upcoming performance , it did not finish. They are still together, and I am still alone, and I cannot wait any longer. Now I undertsand I cannot do more, I have reached my limit, I am the one who is over. They are never going to vanish, their always will be a real always. They will be forever, and I will have to find another companion for me.

So frustrating.

You could think of it as a marathon, when in the last 10 meters, you trip over and break your legs. Then you try to stand up and you break your arms, then you try to crawl till the end, and a horse appears from the void and breaks your back, and you die there, a meter away from your desired triumph.

It might also have something to do with the fact that everything is changing, and that this last hope was basically the only thing that remained unchanged, the only thing I was able to rely on to remember the past. I guess I will just have to let go. Let go all the past life, and adapt to the changing world that lies ahead. Change is for the brave, but I am not sure if I am able to be brave. It scares me so much. It is so different, so frightening, so doomed... It is terrifying simply because it is going to end too, and it will be good for nothing. This is that all the hard work I did to get where I got will vanish, and I will be obliged to start from zero, and shall it never end...

I dream with a bright future, and I would die for my dreams to come true, but they are no longer my dreams if certain people ain't in them.

Ignorance will become my new best friend, not knowing how I will evolve, not knowing whom I should depend on. 

All in all, this is just an inevitable phase of every life, an era where only the brave survive, and the weak loose all their opportunities. 

It hurts, but the universe suggests me I will just have to let her go. It strongly suggests so. I have no choice. Bye bye dear past, see you in another life. 

It isn't game over until you find another game to play.

Perhaps, after years of fighting you never get to reach the glorious victory. Perhaps you cannot even taste how it would be, to become the winner for a single moment. But all in all, most of us, we are all warriors, fighting exhaustingly for our victory, for our unreachable dream, which we wish could come true. Because of this, most of us become great warriors, with as many defeats as victories at our back, with enough experience to predict the result of future battles. 

However, this is not at all about fighting, it is about winning. When we win we just stop fighting, which is a huge error. When we loose we go on,which is a huge error too. In both cases, we never stop, think and plan what lies ahead.

However this is not about all of that, of course, because war has no meaning, and our victory is temporary, so it is meaningless too. Lets just say that out victory is a temporary solution for our interior peace, for our soul to rest until the next battle is close enough so that is has to wake up and fight again.

However, this is irrelevant, because we usually never get to know the true victory until we are so sofocated, so worn out, that we cannot taste it any longer. 

This is what happens to me. I have been fighting for a long time, with perfect battles, but it is obviously not enough, because the victory is in the hands of another warrior, who fought before, but not more bravely.

After all this time, it appeared like I had won the war, the final battle. It occured to me that maybe, just maybe, my soul could rest for a little. I was wrong.

I had the opportunity to see the future, the reality in which I see how the victory transforms and heals my heart. I had the opportunity to beat my enemy and finish it all once and for all.

Nevertheless, when all seemed won, it all became a lie. I had lost, another time.

I wish i had never seen the future, i had never imagined my victory, beacuse it only provides me with more strenght to fight and win, for even more time. I wish I had just died, rather than staying half alive to keep on with the fight. It is so hard, it is so exhausting...

I do not want to lie: i had hope i could win, but after seeing my enemy die, and then resuscitate and get another chance, I feel devastated. It does not make sense to me. Why should I work so hard, fight so bravely, when a single peasant wins all the fucking battles without even being honest and noble?

I cannot go on, I need to surrender, I just need to find another war to win, one war in which only the truth wins, and the warriors triumph. A different war where hard work and suffering have their reward.

Perhaps it is time for me to stop being such a stupid warrior, stop seeking for the ultimate dominion.

What is true indeed is that this specific stage of the war is just killing me without killing me. This is the time where you wish they just ended all your suffering for the final time, but they only keep on giving you false hopes that you may win, false strenght which vanishes as you enter in the battlefield, a strenght that only works when you have no fear, which in the end, is just when you are about to triumph. But always, just before winning, you begin wondering how it will all be, and it is in that moment of weakness when you loose it all... There's a battle ahead, many battles are lost, but you never see the end of the road when you're travelling with me.

They said it was game over, but my dear, it is never game over until you find another game to play.