Dolor temporal.

La sonrisa de ayer ya se fue, y no queda nada para recordarla, mas que la olvidadiza memoria. Vivir en este mundo cruel, donde nada es para siempre y todo es efímero es un verdadero suplicio. Mi niñez ha expirado, y mi adolescencia está a punto. Dentro de poco, miraré atrás y tan solo veré una carretera por la que he conducido a todo gas. No me di cuenta de los detalles, sólo de aquellas cosas que marcan la diferencia, que tristemente son comunes a todo el mundo. Acabé los estudios, tuve mi primer trabajo, mi primer hijo, me jubilé, y se acabó. No hay nada más triste para mi en este instante que saber que no vale para nada, que mis momentos clave ya están predestinados, y que cualquier otro está fuera de la lista. Es una pena que ya sea por nuestra naturaleza o por la sociedad en general, que aquella pizza que te comiste con tus amigos un día normal y que gozaste intensamente, sea arrastrada al cajón del olvido, y sustituida por otro evento en tu vida que se supone que tiene que ser recordado, aunque no sea tan especial como el hecho de disfrutas una simple pizza.

Empty your mind.

Yesterday I tried meditation. I opened a link to alpha and beta waves to help me concentrate and I began.  I had no idea of how to address this new activity, so I just tried the simplest thing of all: to get rid of all thoughts.

It was impossible.

I believe my thoughts are too strongly attached to my consciousness, and i cannot get rid of it. That is not a good thing. 

They stick to myself like a slug, and drain every glimpse of peace within me.

What are we?

-Who are you?

+I am no one ,I am nobody.

-How can that be possible?

+You do not know who you are, or for that matter, where you are. You believe you are your body, your brain, your cells. But you are not. In fact, you are nothing. 

-How can I be nothing? I am me, and I am here. I am my body and my mind, I am my memories and wishes. You dare to tell me that I do not exist?

+Oh you do exist, but you do not know it, for you cannot know anything. Tell me, can something which is nothing, know anything. Can something that occupies no space, hold knowledge?

-It certainly cannot, yet I am something, for I can feel and think, and through centuries we have know that to be, is to think. I think, therefore I exist. That is for sure.

+I am not denying your existence, but clarifying that you are nobody, you are not your body. Your idea of being is wrong, since your essence is not held within the walls of your living corpse. 

-I do not understand. I am myself, my arms, my head, my bones. How can you deny that?

+I do. Tell me, if you take your arm out of your body, is that arm you? 

-It is definitely a part of me, but it is not me, as you affirm. 

+Then, if you could take your whole body out of your head, and you could contain your head in a vat and keep it alive, then, would that body be you, if you are still conscious in your head?

-It would not be me, just an old part of my self.

+Then take out your skull and skin, your muscles and veins, and replace every essential organ for artificial artifacts that maintain you alive. Would you be your skull or cheeks? 

-I would not. But, you are ruling out everything but my brain. Then, are you suggesting that all I am is my brain? A set of neurons? Is that your hypothesis?

+It is not. Let me finish, and you will see. Lately we have seen transistors behaving the same way as neurons. Lets now replace gradually each neuron with a transistor which performs its function flawlessly. If you replace one neuron, would  you still be your brain, or your brain and a transistor, or a transistor?

-Errrrrrrrr I do not know, it is confusing. I guess I would be both of them.

+Okay, now replace each neuron with a transistor. Would you still be your brain?

-No. 

+Would you be all transistors all together?

-I do not think so. I guess I might have ceased to be.

+Did you die?

-No. I just transformed.

+And, is transforming your mind destroying yourself, as you say? Since ceasing to be something means the destruction of that thing.

-I suppose.

+Then, when did you ceased to be you, and began being something else? When could we consider your old self apart from your new self? Where is the frontier between being a brain and being a chip?

-I guess something in the middle. In the transition between neurons and transistors is the limit, but I do not know where.

+Then, is it conceivable that, given the scenario where you can substitute neurons with transistors, with similar performance and no apparent output variation in thoughts, you were not your neurons at all in the first place?

-It is true. If I once considered myself my brain, and it was substituted with another structure, then I was never my brain in the first place.

+Now you see, you were not your body, nor your brain. Then what are you? Is your mind the combination of neurotransmitters firing at each moment? 

-I might be. But I am skeptical, and I refuse to believe that transistors could ever replace neurons.

+That is a fair point, since we cannot usually imagine what we have never experienced. But isn't it true that your only way of noticing anything in your body, is through nerves and neurons?

-It is true.

+Then, if you replace these nerves with other nano machines which perform similarly, there would be no way for you to notice a change, right?

-You speak the truth, but I still refuse to accept that machines could ever replace a cell.

+It is impossible at this epoch in time. Yet, there are artificial organs which save lives, and technology foresees advances at the cellular level in the next decades or centuries. So tell me, is it inconceivable that at some point in time, a machine could do the tasks of a cell, just as machines now do the tasks of men? 

-It is conceivable, yes.

+Then, assuming this premise, which though not necessary is still bearable, going back to the earlier issue, where are you, if you are not in your brain? Where are your thoughts, if not in your head?

-I do not know. Some people say there is a non material part of ourselves, called soul, which interacts with our material body.

+I agree that the latter might be a possibility. However, isn't it true that something composed of nothing, is, nothing? Isn't it true that love is literally no thing, nothing you can measure or touch, see or weigh, but just feel? Aren't all feelings nothing but something you feel with your immaterial  self, also called soul?

-They certainly are. But then, if we assume that our minds are non existent, and everything derived, such as thoughts and feelings, are too, what are they?

+That I do not know, but I can assure that anything non measurable, non detectable, in summary, anything without matter or at least, without a significant effect upon matter itself, belongs to the realm of the immaterial and of the mind, which in term is no thing. 

-I cannot deny that. 

+As for what follows from that, you are non material, you are nothing. 

-I don't care.

Conditioned

Ever since I have memories I remember wishing certain things. I remember wanting to kiss that girl, I remember wanting to play Wii, I remember wanting lots of things. However, since the beginning of time I have not had what I desired, I have had what was available.

I have never complaint, all in all, whatever I achieved to own was virtually as valuable as what I really desired, and so I just learnt how to want what was given to me. This way, all my desires would be fully fulfilled. 

Nonetheless, it is getting harder each time, because I realize the truth of the situation, which is that the heart wants what it wants, and no logical process can change that when your wishes are well defined. Nowadays I do really want to be with certain girls, I really want to go to certain places, I really desire to do certain things, which are, as a whole, almost impossible to get. Therefore I am obliged either to accept my misery and let my unfulfilled desires destroy me, or I can change my mentality and convince myself that what I do have is what I really wished from the beginning.

It seems wrong when first explained, it looks as if it made sense, but it was enslaving myself, holding my own true self back, not letting me be free in all splendor. But why is it? Why does it feel weird to convince yourself to want something? Why does it feel freedom-breaking?

It is not making me less free, since I am the one deciding what to do, this initiative has been set up by me, just by myself and my own desire of not being unhappy. I am the one choosing to be less happy by changing my thoughts. Therefore, is changing you mind something wrong? Is controlling yourself something against liberty? Is nature and only nature and its natural paths the real way towards freedom? 

I believe nature and its consequences sometimes lead to unhappiness, and even though we perceive natural unrest as just, there is no rational explanation to why we should just suffer if nature wants us to.

I am referring to the natural series and path of events as nature, something unchanged that follows its own path according to natural and un artificial laws. Something interesting about this is that whatever is triggered by nature is automatically assumed as fair and just, whereas is something triggered by humans leads to the same result, this result is often unjust and punishable. 

Applied to the desires scenario, something artificially desired by someone is worse thought of than something desired because of pure chance, nature. For example, imagine you are in love of a very ugly person, you love that person, but he/she is so ugly you cannot tell. Then, in order to not suffer you decide to suppress your feelings, try to change them and fall in love with a much prettier but stupider boy/girl. That is something rather unjust for you and your loved one, it looks artificial and unnatural, unfair and wrong. However if you naturally and spontaneously stopped loving the ugly person and started loving the cute one, or maybe just love the cute one from the beginning, the situation would look appropriate and fair. All in all, we are ruled by nature and it is something un personal which can never be to blame for an event.

The conclusion of this is that nature is always just, or at least perceived as so, while artificial or man made changes to one's personality or wishes are morally wrong and unjust, basically because of the first principal; nature is the only just, fair and morally right maker of these things. 

I am still confused, and I do not know whether I should embrace my impossible dreams or just try to be happy to what comes to me. I will probably be confused for a long time, and perhaps no answer is valid to this dilemma, maybe there is no solution, and a mixture of both paths is the more appropriate. But again, as a philosophical question, as a human who is trying to be more morally correct, what should I do? 

I guess I'll have to suffer the aching pain of confusion until a new solution becomes bearable. Until then, just philosophize. 

Life is a dream

Almost everything in the universe is dead. Almost all matter within our cosmological sight has no life. 

Nonetheless, we are used to living beings because, come on, this is Earth, lifetown. Everywhere you look in our planet, you will most certainly find some badass bacteria, or amoebas, and usually, lots and lots of animals and plants visible to our naked eye too. This has created a strange illusion; that life is abundant and normal. 

It is not, for even in our planet, the ratio of alive matter and inorganic dead matter is dominated by the immense amounts of rocks and metals found in the inner and outer layers of the planet. Life is abundant, but only in the surface, and only in small packages, being the largest the blue whale. Not even comparable to the size of a dead hill or an inanimate mountain.

Additionally, among this minority, only one known species has been able to develop consciousness. This is a topic for another day, and the definition of consciousness is far beyond extremely complicated and intricate. Even though, we have a fair mental image of what being conscious really means, and over millennia, our species has become aware of our own self, of our minds, of our bodies, our power, our qualities and defects. We are alive, and we know it, which is rather rare, among a full biosphere of ignorant bacteria all among a vast majority of dead matter all among an even larger whole, consisting mainly of dark energy and dark matter.

Whoa, we should feel unique and rare and special, for being the awakened ones. Our 7 billion bodies, with all our atoms, are the only known minority of atoms and molecules being self aware, to think profound thoughts, and wonder about the origin of the universe. We are rare, strange, awkward, and unique, and nothing could ever say the opposite no matter what.

This got me wondering about a rather unusual conclusion. Given our scarcity in the world, we are not part of the normal kind of matter. Among organic matter, we are also quite special, and therefore we are not quite the normal kind of organic matter in the Earth's biosphere. The conclusion is that, life is not the normal state of matter, and consciousness is not usual either. This is a special state of being, consciousness. I like to compare it to dreaming.

One could say that our lives are just dreams, special mysterious states of matter in which we are aware of our existence, and after a while we just die off and become the normal kind of matter again. Dreaming bears a huge resemblance with life in that sense. We fall asleep, and sometimes we enter into  an unknown mental state, we enjoy it for a bit, and then we wake up, just like life itself. It may be a longer dream, but all in all, it is a dream. 

Thanks to this special undefinable phenomenon we are able to prepare for real life, if life is real al all. Dreams are supposed to make us ready for whatever may lie ahead when we wake up, but all in all, the whole life we live might be a dream, or it might just not matter, since there may be no distinction among them after all.

Perhaps living is not dreaming and I am wrong, but to my mind, a few carbon and water molecules suddenly living and thinking is an idea rather belonging to dream worlds, not reality.  

It is going to take long to figure out the quintessence of life, how a dead body is suddenly dead and not alive, and in this even more difficult step, how consciousness comes to be, and how it seizes to be. We are dream stuff, we are dreaming all along. We cannot comprehend how the normal state of inanimate matter is, because we never were so, at least in our memory and sensory experience. All we have ever known is how to wake up and continue dreaming.

Let's just go on with our dreams as if none of this matters, but remember to never forget that we are atoms that gained self-awareness, nothing more. And as simple atoms our journey shall end, with the death of our magical consciousness, and/or perhaps, the beginning of the real 'life'. The end of this 'life' is the end of this 'dream', and maybe afterwards, the truth appears and this solemn world turns out to be what it has always been; dream land. 

Continuous inspiration

Today I started the new and final high school year. I am scared, because throughout all my life, I have never worried if whether I could make it through the year or not, every past year I worked hard and got the desired results. 

However this time it looks different. And I just realized complaining about it is not gonna change anything. 

My only solution is to keep myself motivated and continue deluding myself into believing that it is going to be worthy and it will be useful for my future.

I recently discovered who Elon Musk was and how he is changing the world (or at least trying really hard). He is going to be my inspiration for this year, and I hope listening to his story will keep me going. Thanks to him I believe I am able of not giving up, so let's hope this lasts all year long.

Giving up is not an option, and I'd rather do this right than complaining all along. I hope I am not mistaken.

The alienness of our world.

No one looks surprised when accumulations of water larger than countries float over our heads.

Or when an immense rock struck by gillions of asteroids orbits us, every day, and we even feel its effects.

Or when green ramifications of cellulose grow 100 metes high and almost magically transform CO2 into O2, and let us live

Or when every day the sun disappears in the horizon leavinf multi-colored skies, which look like unimaginable paintings taken from science fiction. 

Or when the sun reappears almost miraculously each morning, fusing ridiculous amounts of hydrogen so violently we feel it like a gentle struck of sunlight.

Or when in the night, in the dark and dull twilight, we notice spaceships carrying hundreds of people close to the speed of sound, above the clouds.

Or that a few hydrogen, oxygen and carbon atoms walk around on their back legs dressed up with weird costumes, with awkward strands of proteins growing out of their heads.

Or that those three atoms can actually think and write, and refer to themselves as 'I', although they are nothing but quarks arranged in a rather unusual and seemingly stupid way, since what is normal (aka: 99% of the universe) is to be hydrogen alone. That is way too alien.

The alienness of liking and loving, of having an irrational motivation to do things, and to feel happy. Maybe we are the only beings in the universe who love, or who like, or enjoy. Perhaps it is weird to do that, and the rest of living beings somewhere else just live to fulfill a function, as machines. If you think it thoroughly, evolving towards a machine-type organism, moved by its original purpose, never capable of feeling, is a rather awesome evolutionary advantage, since liking or loving things or people that do not aid us towards fulfilling our greater desires is disadvantageous for the species. The reason why a lot of people do not make the most out of their best abilities is because they like doing other things (at which they may not be that good). We should feel lucky for loving and liking, and enjoying and receiving pleasure, for it is probable that no other being (in the case there are) is capable of feeling something out of their principal life target.

Our world is quite 'alien'. Even though we take everything for granted, every single thing that surrounds us is extremely unusual, and you might well never find something similar anywhere else, ever.